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One Two One Two One Two One Two One Two Over and Over

Keep it together. Don’t freak out. You’re an adult, right? You’re a strong woman who knows that her independence is her greatest strength. So, don’t freak out. Stop trying to change people. Stop trying to control situations that you will never actually have a good hold on.

Stop attempting to depend on someone who does not want to take care of you. You don’t need to depend on anyone, so why do you try to? That’s not how your brain was built, baby. It’s not wrong to want people around. It’s not wrong to care for someone. It’s not wrong for you to want them around. However, when you start making your emotions their responsibility, when you begin let their emotions control your world…that’s a problem. You know that already. I’m just here to remind you.

I’ve missed you a little. I mean, you’ve made some really positive changes, but I miss you. I miss your creativity. I miss your spark. I miss your anxiety, and your fear. Seems strange, I know. But you got lost. You’re still lost. You’ve gotten lost in a person. You’ve gotten lost in your work. You’ve gotten lost. But I’m calling you back now. It’s time to come home. It may take you a little while, but it’s time to find your path again, find your path and come home now, Love.

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3+8

You’re trying to distract yourself, aren’t you? You’re not focusing on something you probably should be, am I correct? Well, I’ll allow it for a few moments because I am in the same boat, so let’s row together for a few minutes and then let’s please agree to jump out and start swimming towards our goal. Deal? Deal.

The human brain is a complex and terrifying thing. It can think up the most murderous schemes. It can be the most manipulative, pain causing, disastrous organ. Humans in general are scary little beings. Thankfully we were equipped with a conscience. Most of us were anyway. That conscience doesn’t always kick in quite when it should though. I’ve hurt many humans in the past. Intentionally and unintentionally. If you have had any sort of relationship with any human, there will eventually be pain. Sometimes the pain is slight and quite manageable, other times though, that pain can be soul-ripping, scream wrenching horror. There is no blood that bursts forth, no bruises, no broken bones. No one else can see the evidence physically, but so many times that emotional pain is much worse than a broken bone. It stays with you long after a bone would have healed. It will lay with you in your bed for years, you may forget about it for a time, but it will eventually give you a sickly hug and remind you that it’s still there. That good ole faithful Pain.

I’ve hurt many humans. I’ve been hurt by many humans. Forgiveness comes, but there will be remnants of Pain. The most important thing that I’ve discovered about this inevitable Pain is that we cannot let it bring Bitterness. Bitterness is Pain’s ferocious friend. They ¬†are close traveling companions, but let me tell you: Pain will barge in, but Bitterness must be invited in. Bitterness is a sneaky devil, Bitterness will bake you a cake. You’ll invite Bitterness in because she’s one hell of a baker and that cake looks amazing, the first bite will be sickeningly sweet and satisfying. The thing about Bitterness though is that she won’t let you stop at one slice of cake. Once you’ve started to eat, she will force feed you the entire thing, holding your face in it and shoving fork-full after fork-full into your unwilling mouth until you vomit. Do not let Bitterness in. I’ve eaten the cake, a long time ago. It made me feel good and so horrible. It made me feel horrible for so much longer than it made me feel good. I have been having to remind myself this week to keep Bitterness on the other side of the door. She’s been knocking so loudly and that cake smells so good, but last time she came, she stayed for years and she was the worst house guest I’ve ever had. I don’t want her around ever again.

There’s the truth of it all. Pain will eventually leave you, but if you make Pain and Bitterness your friends, you will forever be miserable. Even though I probably don’t know you, I do not want that for anyone. Pain and Bitterness will change you. Don’t let them change you for the worse. While the brain can be murderous and tricksy, it is also a beautiful creation that can be used for great things. You’ve got so much more control than you realize. So, let’s face the reality that Pain will always be visiting, but you don’t have to encourage it to stay – it will go to find its’ lover, Bitterness and they will travel on.

Goodnight. Let’s get back to the task at hand now. We’ll jump, in 3-2-1!