I like messy silence.
I like writing and coffee. I enjoy most music. Cooking and baking relax me like little else. One of my favorite feelings is to be lost deep inside some really good story. I have an affinity for napping on couches.
Most anyone who knows me, also knows these simple statements to be true. One thing I have been discovering about myself lately, is that I have a problem of always being busy. Most anyone who knows me, also knows this to be a true statement.
It’s been months since I’ve written anything. I’ve started 3 books and haven’t gotten past the 5th chapter in any of them. I listen to music when I cook and bake and drive, all of which I have been doing simply from necessity, and not for pure enjoyment. (I have, however, caught one or two naps on the couch in the past couple of months)
People tell me that I should learn to say, “no” and my life would be simpler. There’s a problem with that though. “No” disappoints people. “No” is inconvenient for the receiver. “No” carries a lot of weight. So, not only must I learn to say, “no”, but I must also learn to deal with the guilt that I feel after having said that tiny word. That is where my issue lies. I am not saying that I do not need to learn these things though. I’m tired. Exhausted, actually. The things that I’ve wanted to do with my life have yet to present themselves as attainable, and part of the problem is that I’ve been living solely for other people’s agendas. I do not actually want to stop being in people’s lives though. I have an unhealthy need to be needed. Balance and boundaries. Those are the words I crave to have prevalent in my life.
People often say that life is like a book, and each chapter holds something new, perhaps dangerous…life is indeed like a book, I sometimes feel as though whomever is reading my book is having trouble focusing and keeps having to read the same bit over and over again. I am about ready for the pages to start turning again.
I am forever grateful for mornings like these. God provides me with amazing weather and much needed messy silence in which I can focus best.
Hopefully this mental effort on my part will tempt the reader into turning the page in my book. Hopefully I’ll be back here writing things that are less focused on myself, soon. This is not to say that I have not enjoyed the past months because I very much have. Only hopefully I can learn to spread myself a little less thin. Hopefully I can start putting more of myself into fewer things. Hope is important. Good Day.