Third

My body is always finding new ways to process stress. I was talking to my aunt about some things coming up and she said, “you don’t even seem stressed…” and I’m not. So I think. Used to, during college, I wouldn’t notice that I was under a great deal of stress until it started to show physically…particularly in that I’d swell up like Violet Beauregarde. I’m not talking just the ankles. I went full body, face and all, extreme water retention. Needless to say, it was not cute. Other things happened, which I’ll leave out of this post, but just know that when I got stressed my brain may have refused to accept it, but my body went full swing into a chaotic mess. It’d always take at least a week to calm it back down…this happened at least once a month, for a good long while.

I haven’t had that happen in a nice amount of time.
I’m forever thankful and I really don’t want to repeat any of it.

But let’s just discuss what I’ve discovered my idiotic self has decided to do instead…
It’s true that I still remain relatively calm, cool and collected to the masses when it comes to stress, but this time my sleep has been attacked. “Oh you can’t sleep? Here! Valerian root! Chamomile! Melatonin, my love!” Nonono, I can sleep. Oh, I can sleep. But. But. But…I dream. I dream horrifically vivid, realistic dreams.
This little trick played by my brain started in September. I didn’t recognize what was going on until last night. I dream some idiotically, stupid, yet hauntingly real dream, at least 4 or 7 times a week (depending on how many naps I sneak in). I hate it. I don’t hate it more than swelling, but it’s fast becoming equal with it.
I just feel quite ridiculous. I know I feel that way because that is what I am.

I am going to find a healthier way to process stress, and I know that my body is going to rebel ferociously because it always does, but honestly…this is just beyond irritating.

I’d like to blame it on someone. You know the feeling? When something’s happening to you and you know you’re the one responsible, but you just don’t want to admit it? I’m all about taking responsibility for ones’ own actions, but this…this I just want to leave off on someone else. “HEY YOU! Yeah, you. Look here, my body hates me and it’s very immature and it cannot figure out how to properly express it’s feelings on stress. You were around when all this started in May of 2009, and you popped back up around the time my brain decided to change its’ evil little game back in September, so I’m blaming you. You’re the common denominator. Oh, don’t whine about it, just take it like a man. You can’t do anything about it? Ha! I knew you couldn’t, I just wanted you to feel bad. You aren’t going to? Because I’m a silly woman, masquerading as a silly little girl and I desperately need to grow up? Ugh. Just go away. No one invited you here to say such things. I knew I’d regret blaming you” …

Well, folks, I’m a real nut job, what can I say?

 

Second

There are days that are difficult. There are weeks that are hard. There are new challenges presented daily, to keep our minds fresh and mold us into the humans we were meant to be. We can let life happen to us, or we can motivate ourselves to be active in every day of our existence.

I know I’ve just typed some very cliche words. I know. I never claimed to have deep original thought. I just have been struggling with some issues lately and I have to remind myself everyday that I shouldn’t just let life happen to me. I cannot sit around and complain, or worse yet crawl in a corner and cry because life has happened to me. While those are things I’d like to do, I know that’s not my purpose or calling. I have been given these challenges, and I must face them with courage that comes only through my relationship with Christ. That’s difficult to say because I know I haven’t been working on that relationship as I should be. I’ve let it fall between the cracks. Perhaps that’s why I’m getting a wake up call. I heavy, hurtful jolt – “GET UP, MELISSA, YOU ARE BECOMING COMPLACENT AND UNGRATEFUL….GET UP!”. Why can’t I ever catch on to these things before they get painful? Will I always be bumping into the corners of life’s table? It’s clumsy and idiotic and I’m hereby chastising myself publicly.

There are so many more people dealing with much more terrible things. I have been blessed and I take it for granted, daily. Next time someone catches me being “in the depths of despair” you have every right to smack me.

There.

First

I haven’t blogged in a quick second. I know you’ve noticed and it’s made you sad. (I know that’s not true, but play along for the sake of this explanation).

I’ve started this new, shiny, pretty, scary, honest, untrue, utterly confusing blog because the one that I used to keep updated was one that I had during college. There is nothing wrong with it (there is plenty wrong with it), I just felt that it was time to kick this rock in a different direction. That chapter of my book has closed, and I no longer get to complain about professors, papers, grades, and whatever else accompanies that horribly wonderful thing we call ‘University’.

So, welcome. I don’t know what I’ll post or how often. I do hope that I’ll have at least one post a week, if not more. My brain needs the exercise, the poor dear has gotten so lazy that I sometimes think she’ll never be the same. Here’s to me trying to get her on the treadmill.

Perhaps I’ll have a real post tomorrow. If you have trouble following my train of thought, you would not be the first. Don’t be worried by it, just come along and we’ll have fun.